Nearly...

An awful start to the day continued through to early evening when things seemed to get better.

So much better that some touching took place and I nearly suggested sex, but not enough encouragement to the touching to give me confidence to take that step into the unknown and open my mouth and hope some helpful words come out.

There is always masturbation...

Tragedy and support

Both ends of the spectrum yesterday speaking to two friends one I was able to sympathise with in his difficulties and one who sympathised with mine.

A day of giving and receiving.

I still struggle with things that I desire that I do not recieve, a lot of that hangs around sexual desire. Some days it seems I am dead to it and others I am consumed by it.

My frustration probably stems from having so much at my fingertips and yet unable to taste it for so many reasons, most of them not real except in my head.

But at least I was able to listen and to be heard with my friends.

Is this a trick question?

That what it has come to, the way I respond to her questions. They all feel short and pointed, "Why is this box here?" pointing at the box on the chair then pulling the bed in the place where it has been moved to each day. So I move it thinking thats what she is referring to. Then the questions come again, "Why is this box here?", not I didn't mean move I meant why is this box still here in this room? So in my head I realise I don't know what she is asking and I make the mistake or instead of asking what she means I say, " Is this a trick question?".

Big mistake. I am given a monologue of how the conversation should have gone and then told that the old me was so different (read better).

That last comment makes me walk off but it didn't end there.
An hour later and we have talked it all out yet again.
Either I am as trapped in myself around her as she says I am or I am just frightened by the monster I see her as.
Either the problem rests with me. I think I would agree with that.

What do I want, a stepford wife - to cook, clean, look after the family, home and me and to provide all I need in the bedroom. Yes please. But that is not what I have - I have the cooking and a bit of cleaning and that is about it. The rest is not who she is.

I don't ever see myself doing anything meaningful together, no hobbies, sports, regular pastimes, interests, holidays, not even regular evenings out - these are just not her scene. I desparately must get back into regular sports of some nature.

Oh but what I would give for a BJ!

Death every day

So apparently I choose death rather than life everyday.
That may well be true that I choose to default to working from my past and I could do with changing this to a more present centred life.

But tell me this, the person who observes this and lives a more present centred way, choosing life each morning, how come this makes the so angry at everyone else who doesn't? Should they be able to be even more at peace with others? Does living at a higher plain of existance always mean you end up alone?

No news is good news?

Nothing much to write recently as life has been generally a bit more stable, with a few exceptions see below, ideally I would really like to see a day when this blog is as much about my thoughts on the world at large and not just the issues that I struggle within the inner me.

Another DIY disaster and this is just me running away from the issue not doing anything. I know I love the idea of DIY and having a go but the fear of getting it wrong often times paralyses me. This is a subject that I can't even discuss properly. Lord break this fear in me.

Fantasy island... over the course of the last few days I have been finding myself living in a fantasy world. Of course this is a sexual fantasy one that I seem to keep returning to. It is no excuse but not having a sex life makes this more difficult to shake. I have a beautiful wife who I very much desire but for months if not years or sexual union has been one of wonderful oasis-es in a barren desert. What a creep I must sound like and indeed am.

Valentines massacre

So apparently I insulted my wife four times today.

She gave me a card this morning as I was leaving, I must admit it was a minimal as possible, "bee mine" on the front and "happy valentines guess who" inside.

I mention at work I didn't get her a card and I got the usual advise you must lavish gifts on her.

So I come in, admitely late, with flowers and a card. For this I am told you don't know me.

Well there goes all/any good work that might have been built over the last few days and weeks.

Oh well, 2 years and 11 months and counting...

One complaint after another

Just when I think I am gettings things under control I have day like today, complaint, problem, unpaid bill...

Feel really under pressure and slightly overwhelmed.

Must remember to breath...