So today I discover a big issue for a client I manage, running out of money issue, so very serious.
I should have noted this possibly months ago, but I didn't and now I feel sick inside and the 'little me' just wants to run away.
Will be speaking to the client today so will have to face my fears.
Bringing up a cup of tea the first I'm greeted with are, "You make me so upset" (or words to that effect). The morning continues with a monologue of how we are no longer connected, I don't do anyhtning, she has changed and gone along with things that she didn't want to for the sake of us all. And if nothing changes it will get serious (she will leave) then it will be all 'her fault' (meaning my fault but people will see if otherwise).
Really makes me want to 'praise Jesus' this morning, not. Not that he has anything to do with this, or has he.....?
Certainly the message, "come close to me" followed by, "its all your fault you need to change" doesn't work for me.
I thought I was changing in small measures. She doesn't realise I have started meditating again and I am trying to stop masturbating (I wonder how often she thinks I masturbate? Recently its been at least twice a day, so try to stop and this past week that means only once that is a big change).
Well we have friends coming round for lunch what sort of day will it be?
Yesterday was a day to forget (and today is not one to look forward to). Various minor grips and problems and then a big tearing off a strip from a client.
On reflection he was quite right to criticise me and the poor response to issues raised over many months. There is a chance we could loose his business and in that I will have had a hand in it. That makes me feel a little bit scared/sick inside. At times like these I wish I was in a no responsibility job - but then I would have to knock several £k of my salary.
To top it all yesterday my car breakdown and when I get home and want to use our other car I am told I can't because of local journeys my wife has to do. So up early to bike, train, train and walk to work.
Worse things happen at sea.
Last night I enjoyed an excellent evening out with a large crowd of people from work.
Arriving at the restaurant and among the chaos of who needs to sit where there was an opportunity to sit right next to the girl I have a little crush on. For a few seconds the opportunity was there to just slide into the seat and spend the evening next to her.
I hesitated and then was invited to sit elsewhere which I gladly accepted and had a lovely evening.
So a very small, tiny really, victory in terms of chosing not to the selfish, fantasy driven wrong choice.
I still fancy her but hey lets celebrate small (tiny) steps
The day begins and cross words already and we have all day ahead of us requiring coordination and communication. This could be a triumph or another example of not being able to work together in any civil manner.
So in my mind I already had it.
A work colleague that I am currently infatuated with, the whole shebang (no pun intended) setup, night of passion, follow on developing relationship, and so it goes on...
Don't we all do this in our the imaginarium of our minds, countless encounters with others...
The current one being just the one that is present, real and either sucking the life out of me or giving me passion to go on...
It's been awhile since I've had a good old homemade humiliation, oh how I've not missed these.
There have been several shouting and screaming sessions, hurricane force level several of them and they all encompassingly overwhelming but then there is at least the sense of the storm has passed.
But humiliation just lingers and keeps on coming back to mind.
I must remember the source of my misery in inside of myself and it is only the symptoms that are outside.
I need to search for the cure, but musn't try to get it - there is no try.
