So today I discover a big issue for a client I manage, running out of money issue, so very serious.
I should have noted this possibly months ago, but I didn't and now I feel sick inside and the 'little me' just wants to run away.
Will be speaking to the client today so will have to face my fears.
Bringing up a cup of tea the first I'm greeted with are, "You make me so upset" (or words to that effect). The morning continues with a monologue of how we are no longer connected, I don't do anyhtning, she has changed and gone along with things that she didn't want to for the sake of us all. And if nothing changes it will get serious (she will leave) then it will be all 'her fault' (meaning my fault but people will see if otherwise).
Really makes me want to 'praise Jesus' this morning, not. Not that he has anything to do with this, or has he.....?
Certainly the message, "come close to me" followed by, "its all your fault you need to change" doesn't work for me.
I thought I was changing in small measures. She doesn't realise I have started meditating again and I am trying to stop masturbating (I wonder how often she thinks I masturbate? Recently its been at least twice a day, so try to stop and this past week that means only once that is a big change).
Well we have friends coming round for lunch what sort of day will it be?
Yesterday was a day to forget (and today is not one to look forward to). Various minor grips and problems and then a big tearing off a strip from a client.
On reflection he was quite right to criticise me and the poor response to issues raised over many months. There is a chance we could loose his business and in that I will have had a hand in it. That makes me feel a little bit scared/sick inside. At times like these I wish I was in a no responsibility job - but then I would have to knock several £k of my salary.
To top it all yesterday my car breakdown and when I get home and want to use our other car I am told I can't because of local journeys my wife has to do. So up early to bike, train, train and walk to work.
Worse things happen at sea.
Last night I enjoyed an excellent evening out with a large crowd of people from work.
Arriving at the restaurant and among the chaos of who needs to sit where there was an opportunity to sit right next to the girl I have a little crush on. For a few seconds the opportunity was there to just slide into the seat and spend the evening next to her.
I hesitated and then was invited to sit elsewhere which I gladly accepted and had a lovely evening.
So a very small, tiny really, victory in terms of chosing not to the selfish, fantasy driven wrong choice.
I still fancy her but hey lets celebrate small (tiny) steps
The day begins and cross words already and we have all day ahead of us requiring coordination and communication. This could be a triumph or another example of not being able to work together in any civil manner.
So in my mind I already had it.
A work colleague that I am currently infatuated with, the whole shebang (no pun intended) setup, night of passion, follow on developing relationship, and so it goes on...
Don't we all do this in our the imaginarium of our minds, countless encounters with others...
The current one being just the one that is present, real and either sucking the life out of me or giving me passion to go on...
It's been awhile since I've had a good old homemade humiliation, oh how I've not missed these.
There have been several shouting and screaming sessions, hurricane force level several of them and they all encompassingly overwhelming but then there is at least the sense of the storm has passed.
But humiliation just lingers and keeps on coming back to mind.
I must remember the source of my misery in inside of myself and it is only the symptoms that are outside.
I need to search for the cure, but musn't try to get it - there is no try.
W=where's
So frustrated.
Touching, even some kisses, I follow up to bed and then...
I've done a lot I'm switching off...
WTF!!!
Seems like so long since having sex, esp sex where I started the process. Its probably been months. This was only the second time this year so we need to chalk up another bang this month to be on a once a month ratio.
I guess the best thing was it was very good and provided a wonderful end to a crap day.
Now to try again in a few days time, hopefully.
An awful start to the day continued through to early evening when things seemed to get better.
So much better that some touching took place and I nearly suggested sex, but not enough encouragement to the touching to give me confidence to take that step into the unknown and open my mouth and hope some helpful words come out.
There is always masturbation...
That what it has come to, the way I respond to her questions. They all feel short and pointed, "Why is this box here?" pointing at the box on the chair then pulling the bed in the place where it has been moved to each day. So I move it thinking thats what she is referring to. Then the questions come again, "Why is this box here?", not I didn't mean move I meant why is this box still here in this room? So in my head I realise I don't know what she is asking and I make the mistake or instead of asking what she means I say, " Is this a trick question?".
Big mistake. I am given a monologue of how the conversation should have gone and then told that the old me was so different (read better).
That last comment makes me walk off but it didn't end there.
An hour later and we have talked it all out yet again.
Either I am as trapped in myself around her as she says I am or I am just frightened by the monster I see her as.
Either the problem rests with me. I think I would agree with that.
What do I want, a stepford wife - to cook, clean, look after the family, home and me and to provide all I need in the bedroom. Yes please. But that is not what I have - I have the cooking and a bit of cleaning and that is about it. The rest is not who she is.
I don't ever see myself doing anything meaningful together, no hobbies, sports, regular pastimes, interests, holidays, not even regular evenings out - these are just not her scene. I desparately must get back into regular sports of some nature.
Oh but what I would give for a BJ!
So apparently I choose death rather than life everyday.
That may well be true that I choose to default to working from my past and I could do with changing this to a more present centred life.
But tell me this, the person who observes this and lives a more present centred way, choosing life each morning, how come this makes the so angry at everyone else who doesn't? Should they be able to be even more at peace with others? Does living at a higher plain of existance always mean you end up alone?
So apparently I insulted my wife four times today.
She gave me a card this morning as I was leaving, I must admit it was a minimal as possible, "bee mine" on the front and "happy valentines guess who" inside.
I mention at work I didn't get her a card and I got the usual advise you must lavish gifts on her.
So I come in, admitely late, with flowers and a card. For this I am told you don't know me.
Well there goes all/any good work that might have been built over the last few days and weeks.
Oh well, 2 years and 11 months and counting...
Just when I think I am gettings things under control I have day like today, complaint, problem, unpaid bill...
Feel really under pressure and slightly overwhelmed.
Must remember to breath...
Maybe it is a fantasy and unrealistic but to have some passion or physical contact (ideally sex, might as well be honest) on the morning of my birthday would be nice. But nothing not even a hug.
Do I dare hope for some of this at the end of the day? I've always considered answering the question "What do you want for your birthday?" with the honest answer "a blow job".
Looking at it in black and white it probably seems I have a one track mind, sometimes I think I do or at least I have this base level to fulfill first before the other stuff kicks in.
Is this all I am?
So tomorrow is my birthday and today I discovered that a work colleague has the same birthday.
That is now three people that I personally know born on the same day. The joy of random discoveries!
Returning from church to find my wife slowly grinding to a halt (she suffers from a chronic illness condition). So aftering mopping the kitchen floor (sticking soft drink incident) I take over cooking the lunch.
All going well with the salmon, potatoes and broccoli with hollandaise sauce being warmed up (from frozen). In an effort to get it all on the table together and all hot I speed the source along in the microwave. Wrong move, curdled sauce and scolded for my stupidity.
A recurring theme, I take my instructions a step too far trying to be nice/helpful and it goes wrong or it is not quite right and a torrent of criticism is unleashed because I didn't listen. Actually I did listen but then tried to use my initiative rather than have to keep asking what to do. In this case my initiative was completely wrong.
Ours is certainly not a house of encouragement and affirmation. Maybe that is why I encourage and affirm so many people outside of the home, it clearly is a value/need of mine that does not get received or exercised at home.
Wife and eldest unwell, youngest doesn't want to come out this morning. So I am on my own at church again.
So no excuses or distraction.
Lord I know you are here to meet me, help me to know you and meet me.
Today I visited one of our local colleges with my daughter to discuss the option of a life and work skills course. It looks like this could be something that works for her, helping to develop basic skills, experience work and give her space to cope and continue with her music.
It seems everyone in my family is struggling with something either mentally, physically, emotionally, with friendships, communication, worry, stress and concern over the future.
Feels like in many aspects we are going through a wilderness time.
Thankful for the few glimmers and bringers of light that break into our darkness.
Lord, guide my ways
"so wonderfully, wonderfully, wonderfully, wonderfully pretty" oh she is - "unfeasibly" in fact. And yet still single!
I know I shouldn't even think of these past moments, these past possibilites, but this is part of me - the fantasist, a curse and a blessing.
Unsurprisingly a person trained in the narrowness of medical disciplines struggles to see beyond the presenting symptoms to see the whole person and what they might need.
Wisdom - fail; Care - fail; Checklist diagnosis - pass.
NHS - No wHoleness just Symptons
Today I wonder what if help a doctor can provide. Such a complex situation can the medical world that often works in separate silos consider the bigger picture and then be able to offer anything that could help?
Lord please bring wisdom and care today.
In church today we were asked to come and light a candle as a prayer to God of something we need to give to Him or to give thanks for.
It was crowded with lots of kids and partly due to laziness, relutance and a bit of pride I didn't go up, instead I closed my eyes and light a candle inside.
A candle to for the separateness that has become the norm in my marriage, the dysfunction in our family, the uncertainty of our daughters future.
Lord look kindly on this candles small flame... Your will be done.
"I want to know the real you"
The question is who is that?
With a gun against my head who would I say I am? How would I describe me?
Not caring, ignoring fears, going behind peoples backs, being secretive - not what I want to be know as.
So how do you bridge a gap that has grown and deepened over 20 years, can it be done?
What do you do when you receive a deadline?
Three years to change? Seems an age, surely long enough?
Will it be? Can I? Is it fair?
What will happen to me, my wife, my family?
